How Are You?

I get asked that question a lot. And I know that those asking are sincere. They really do want to know how I'm doing and are hoping that the answer will be positive! I, however, am not always completely honest in my answer. Physically I am doing amazingly well. Minor headaches, nausea, bone aches, fatigue - nothing that isn't manageable. Emotionally, however, I'm having a harder time -- not ALL of the time -- but sometimes. I wonder if this will be my life for the rest of it - however long that is. I wonder if I am being so blessed now because something much worse is coming. I wonder if I'm strong enough to stay busy, motivated, and optimistic, in spite of the fatigue and the fear.

This latest down swing was brought on the loss of my hair. After we finished shaving my head and I saw myself without hair, it didn't bother me as much as I had anticipated. However, going to church the next day was very difficult. I have some lovely scarves, thank you Jenni for your donation, and I have cute hats. But, cute or not - I'm bald because I have cancer. Nothing changes that and there is no hiding it.

I'm not even sure what to say beyond this - thanks for listening?

Despite my uncertainty of going to church - I did put on a scarf and away I went. Here is my first attempt at scarf-wearing.

2 down - 6 to go!

Thursday was my second round of chemo. Nothing really different than before, except that that morning my hair started falling out. My daughter, Ashley, came and visited with me while I was there - that was fun!

When I got home my friend Yvonne came over and visited until I crashed - she also left some more of her yummy lemon chicken lasagna, which we had for dinner!

In the afternoon, I got one of my really bad headaches. I had talked with Dr. Rich about my headaches at chemo and he wasn't real keen on me taking too many Excedrin, because of the aspirin in it. So, I tried all kinds of tricks to get rid of it - heating pad, walks, tea, nothing worked. So, I compromised - when I went to bed I took 1 Excedrin instead of 2 and used the heating pad on my neck. It worked!!

Friday I got my rosy cheeks from the steroids, lost more hair, and still had a bit of a headache, but not too bad. I went and got my Nulasta shot and came home and took a nap. I got up just in time for Nancy Alder's arrival. She brought me lunch and we had a nice long visit. When I had to take a nap, she insisted on staying, so she just sat a read a book until Kent got home.

Still had a headache when I went to bed - I think it was because I was kind of freaking out about shaving my head. But, I used the heating pad and was able to sleep pretty well.

This morning I was losing even more hair. I was still freaking out about losing my hair. Everyone came over and helped shave my head. Once we began I quit freaking out. All of the Grandkids took a turn shaving - we don't have pictures of all of them - I'm sure someone in the fam - does but here are a few from our camera:

This is Jackson shaving, with Aspen observing in the background.


Now, Haley is taking a turn.

They all did a really good job - I was surprised at how gentle they were and how well they shaved it off.



Daughter Becky, finished it off. And here I am, bald:

When I start figuring out how to look good in a scarf etc. I'll post more pics.
All in all - I am very grateful for the continued blessing of not suffering really bad side affects! And for all of the continued love and support from all of you! Your prayers are working!!!!

Glad Game, continued

Here are some more things that I am glad for:
I am glad for whomever invented these marvelous creations. They will cure ANYTHING that ails you! I was introduced to them while living in Jerusalem. I believe Penny Bird met them in London. They have now made their way to Utah County! They come in a variety of delicious flavors. Walmart and Macey's people, Walmart and Macey's!



I am SO glad that I live where I do. You know how warm and beautiful it was on Saturday? Well, my neighbors spent part of it working in OUR yard. Thank you to Bishop Caldwell and his son, Ben, for edging our lawn - this has actually been done over a couple of Saturdays, because they did every edge in the front yard! Just because they can.



Penny and her Dad planted flowers in our garden by the drive way. Rebecca and David Cameau donated the rocks for the edging, and Katherine Cornwall and Penny Bird laid the rock edging. Just because they can. I couldn't even talk to them about it without crying! Thank you, thank you, thank you to my wonderful friends and neighbors - you are the best.


I am glad for my Jackson sisters. They drove down to Orem today and we all went to lunch together. They are, everyone of them, amazing women and the best part is that we all enjoy being together! Love you all!!! {And we missed you, Vicki}

I am glad for events like weddings, that give us a chance to see friends we never see otherwise! Thank you to the Galbraiths for hosting a lovely reception and providing us with an "excuse" to catch up with old friends!

If anyone would like to add their own list of "glads" - feel free!!

sorry

Hind sight is a wonderful thing, isn't it? After thinking on my "pity" blog I feel I may have injured people I care about. I realize that many of you have suffered or perhaps ARE suffering far worse than anything I whined about yesterday. Maybe your suffering is watching the suffering of another, that you can do nothing about. If my blog in anyway made you feel that I was making light of true suffering - I am profoundly sorry!!

My true intent is to share MY personal journey through cancer - good and bad. What that really means is seeing ME, the person on the journey, good and bad.

Ok, so yesterday was a "poor me" kind of day. Having cancer stinks!

1. My life is totally not my own. Everything is worked around and between doctor's appointments, treatments, blood tests, and did I mention doctor's appointments?
2. I feel like a prisoner - I probably won't even be able to go to my grandson's baptism because I'll be in my "low" days!
3. When I went to one of my many appointments - at the hospital - I thought to myself, "Self, do you realize how familiar this place is going to become to you and how well you are going to get to know the nurses here? Oh, goodie."
4. Remember the drain I had removed? Well, I now have a little pouch of fluid under my arm because the drain isn't there to let it out.
5. I have a headache most of the time and the only thing that helps is Excedrin, which I can't take too much of right now, because it contains aspirin, which thins my already thin blood.
6. I can walk, maybe a mile, and it takes me 30+ minutes and I'm breathing hard!
7. Rain, rain go away - I need sunshine in my day!
   

Jeesh - call a waaaaambulance!!!!!

Ok, I've pitied myself well and smacked myself around. Now I shall try to play the "Glad game". For those of you too young to know about Polyanna - sorry. So I'll revise the list, shall I?

1. My life isn't my own, but I'm glad this part isn't forever and I certainly can't complain about side affects up to this point. My bathroom has NOT become my new best friend. On a more serious note - this is what my Heavenly Father is asking of me right now. I keep thinking of the hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go". Huh - I don't sound too willing to "go" do I?
2. I may not be able to go to Ethan's baptism - but I'm glad I have Ethan! And I have Zoe, Jackson, Crash, Lexi, Aspen, Haley, Max, and Skyler! I am such a lucky grandma!
3. Even though I do have to go to the hospital a lot and going there isn't particularly fun--I'm glad it is a cheerful room with a beautiful view of Timp and lots of sunshine. And look at all the new friends I'm going to have that I wouldn't otherwise, including the sweet nurses!
4. The pouch under my arm isn't getting bigger, red or warm - so I'm glad it isn't getting worse, I'm not in danger, so knock it off!
5. I'm glad I can at least take the Excedrin some of the time!
6. I'm glad I CAN walk - and the air smells so good and fresh and it does me a lot of good mentally if nothing else.
7. Well, I still want the sunshine! :)
   

Here are some more things that I am glad for: I just remembered that I never showed you some of the cards that my primary kids in Jerusalem sent me. This first one I liked because she made it open so cleverly:

Then this is what was on the inside:

This one was made by a special friend of mine. Not only does she want me to feel better, but she shows me sick in bed - with her visiting me - and then me better! I love it!!

I'm glad for all of you, your prayers, support, love, concern. I have the best friends, family, and neighbors in the world!

One last thing - I've decided to help those of you who could come to visit, to know when my low days are. During those days, I will hang this sign on my front door. [Kent added the biohazard signs!] :)



I feel much better now that I whined and I am SO grateful for the blessings I have received so far in this adventure - many of them through you and your prayers and help!

What now?

Well, I set an alarm this morning and made myself get up. I started learning Zumba steps today. I didn't even get through all of them before I had to stop. It is pretty pathetic - and funny so nobody can come and watch! :)

Dr. Rich took some more blood today to see how my immune system is doing. It is doing poorly - I am very low and will be until probably Monday or Tuesday of next week. What does that mean? Well, according to Nancy, the P.A., I CANNOT GET SICK!!!! Specifically, that means:

• Memorize the handouts on "infection" - symptoms, prevention, and management
• Don't go out to eat
• Don't eat raw fruits or vegetables unless I can peel them or wash them really, really well
• Don't go to church on Sunday
• Don't be around sick people or crowded places
• Wash my hands a lot and use hand sanitizer
• Drink LOTS of water and go to the bathroom every 2 hours
• Check my mouth for sores
  

If I get sick:

• Take my temperature. If it is 100.4 degrees, call Dr. Rich and then go to the lab or the ER, depending on the day of the week and the time of day
• Give the medical people the list of tests I need done [filled out and given to me by Nancy]. I keep this list with my antibiotics.

The tests include blood work through my port AND my arm, a urine sample, and if I can't breathe well, a chest x-ray.

• After I have had all the tests done then I begin taking the antibiotics and treating symptoms.
  

Did you know, by the way, that studies are showing that it is better to let a fever run its course in little kids? Unless it is off-the-chart high and the child is screaming in misery - don't give them Tylenol etc. Because we have used such meds so freely, our antibiotics are not very effective anymore.

Sorry for the little side-tracking! Anyway, the long and short of it is - DON'T GET SICK!! Interestingly enough, Dr. Rich is much more laid back about all of this. He sees nothing wrong with going to church etc. if I feel like it. He said to stay away from salad bars but not restaurants. Hmmm. You know I'm going to go with the hyper stay-away-from-germs mode! So - phone calls welcome. :)

No, I haven't succummbed to chemo

Saturday, May 14 was a "cotton-headed" "needed-steering-help on a walk" kind of day. It was a beautiful day, though. I did a little yard work; sat outside and enjoyed the air; went for walks with Kent [see the steering comment]; took a nap; and tried to carry on intelligent conversations [see the cotton comment]. Kent asked if I wanted to go to dinner that evening. The only thing that sounded good was soup and corn bread from Mimi's. So, that's where we went. Hah! When I got there and started looking over the menu, LOTS of things sounded good - thankfully. It was nice to feel fairly normal.
I can't say that I feel 100% - sometimes my head aches and I feel nauseous - I take a pill and usually feel better. I get tired easily but on the whole I cannot complain!

Sunday I was steadier on my feet and clearer in my mind but extremely sleepy. I had an absolutely delightful morning, sitting on the back porch and feeling the wind blow. It made me want to take a trip somewhere! However, I slept through most of Sacrament meeting [no reflection on the speakers - whomever you were], helped teach our Sunday School class, which I really enjoyed, and then I went home and slept for another hour or so. Sweet Jenny & Dwight brought dinner today, so while I was waiting for them to come I went and layed in our hammock and enjoyed some more awesome weather!

Before they all went home we took a walk up to the Hassinger's - who have partially taken over the Grandparent role with the Robins kids! Thank you Pam & Floyd!!

Yesterday evening Rebecca Grass brought her mother over to visit. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over a year ago. It was very sweet of them to take the time to share their thoughts and feelings with me and express their love and support for me!

How am I feeling about all of this? There are moments when I will be doing something extremely ordinary and it will suddenly hit me, "I have cancer and for the foreseeable future, my life will be anything but ordinary." That sucks!! And despite my optimistic outlook I also realize that as the chemo accumulates over the next few weeks my symptoms will most likely become worse. Does expressing that fear bring it to fruition? Should I be worried that I have been so incredibly blessed thus far? Should I feel, instead, some sort of foreboding?? I certainly don't want to go down that path - and most of the time I do not/will not. Thinking on your faith and prayers and focusing on my blessings helps me continue with a smile. Thank you for being part of that smile!